Lost

I had a good story to tell tonight about my adventures in the lost lake, but life got the better of me. You see, my friend is upset about her life and what's in store for her future and I feel horrible because I have no good advice for her. One would think I'd have it stockpiled since I haven't been using any that's been given to me lately.
But, no. I've let it go in one ear and out the other. I don't feel like such a good friend tonight. I'm just drawing a blank. Perhaps, I'm too caught up in my own drowning pool to be able to see others and help with their problems. I have been selfish. I'd never had considered myself a selfish person until just recently and I suppose I have been. Recently, I've been someone that I do not recognize. All of my efforts to be an upstanding, moral person have gone out the window. One bad choice has led to another down this metaphorical paved road to hell. I wish I could go back in time and erase mistakes and poor choices, yet keep all of the wisdom that I have gained over the years. Hindsight, I suppose. Don't we all wish for that? I am trying to change my life by doing the right thing. When one does the right thing, then isn't everything just supposed to fall magically into place? I'm trying to make better choices. I'm trying to mend the trail of broken hearts that I have left. I'm not a martyr. I'm not just doing the right thing, but what's best for me and everyone around me and what I ultimately want. I know this is what I want and need - I just don't really know how I lost sight of it. It's the only thing that feels right.
I wonder what punishment will fit this crime. I wonder if it will all eventually be ok. I wonder if and when payback will happen. I wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for becoming this unrecognizable, selfish, shell of a woman. I wonder if he will, either. I wonder if I'll ever get back to that person I once was.