Lemony Snickets?

Tonight, my life resembles a Jim Carrey movie. You may be thinking... ahhh which one...there are SO many good choices. Sadly, no. I'm referring to Lemony Snickets - A Series Of Unfortunate Events. In my opinion, it was the worst movie he's ever made. Yes, I do remember Ace Ventura...but at least THAT was funny.
Anywho. Let me describe my night for you. First, let me say that it is now 5 am, so technically, I should be describing my morning, but since I haven't gone to sleep yet.. we'll still call it night. Ok? Thanks for playing along, kids.
After a nice peppermint bubble bath, I dressed in my circus tent pj's ( as the hubby likes to call them bc they're pink, green, purple, yellow and white striped) and sat talking to the hubby while waiting for him to get ready for bed. We went to bed at about 2am. I **almost** fell asleep and my legs started tingling. I have come to the conclusion that my insomnia is due to Restless Leg Syndrome- a syndrome that I always thought was psychological or to put it bluntly, BS. I'm still leaning that way, but for the sake of argument, let's pretend I'm not crazy tonight...errr ...this morning. So.. I can't sleep. I toss and turn to no avail. I get up to pee, thinking..maybe I have to go and that's what's keeping me awake. How that affects my legs, I haven't a clue, but at this point, I'll try anything. Didn't work. Still awake. I even tried propping my legs up on a pillow. At 4:30 I get out of bed because I have annoyed the husband to the point of exhaustion. Go pee again. Shouldn't have had that last glass of tea. Guess what. My "friend" has come to visit. WTH? It's 4:30 in the fricken morning!! That couldn't have happened during daylight hours? And, by the way, whoever decided to call this curse a "friend" should be shot. At point blank range. With buckshot.
Next, I take care of that business and decide to sleep on the couch so that I don't keep the hubby awake any longer and so the dog will quit making that -aggravated deep breath noise- at me. I bring my pillow and the only extra blanket I can find is my favorite throw, but it's only long enough to cover my feet or my shoulders, but not both at the same time. Curses!! Ok..fine. I'll curl up and be warm. Done. Oh wait. There was something moving in the floor by the couch. WTH? It's a little green frog. We've had a lot of rain lately and I guess he just jumped his happy little a&& right on into the house while the door was open. I hate frogs. They're icky. I grab a paper towel, scoop him up and throw him outside. Paper towel included. I'll have to pick the paper towel up tomorrow while I'm cleaning the rest of the yard. It'll be soggy by then with all this rain. YAY!! I can't wait. Frog is no longer a threat. I lay down on the couch, get all nice and comfy and the tv starts making clicking noises. WTH? It's not even ON!!
It's possessed. I've lost my mind. Oh well. I still can't sleep. So, you see how my night has turned into a series of unfortunate events. Crap. Now I'm hungry. Breakfast at 6am anyone?? I wonder if Pet Detective is on........

The return of the jeans......

They are back. Damn them. I thought they were gone for good!
I MUST find another way. Fire? Yes, fire! It IS the only way to make sure they NEVER COME BACK!!

Bobby has a knack for wearing the most raggedy clothing I have ever seen. The problem really isn't his fault. He just hasn't gained any weight in the last 10 years, so he doesn't throw anything away and mostly doesn't see the need to buy any more.
Yes, I hate him for it, but that's beside the point. Anyway, he keeps his clothing. All of it. Over the years, I have tried to get rid of them. I've sneaked them into the garbage over and over..and some I've put in his infamous burn pile ..unbeknownst to him, of course. I remember once, when I threw out his Miami Hurricanes t-shirt. He was furious. But, really, it had more holes it then Swiss cheese. He claimed it was "air conditioned". He actually went through the garbage and plucked it out and put it in the wash. EWW. I didn't wash it. I just ripped it in sooo many pieces that it was rendered unwearable. FINALLY!

A few months ago....
Bobby wore his favorite jeans in public. These jeans are nothing special. While I'll admit they do make his butt look cute, I must note that the problem is not with the cute little behind, but rather ..the front. These jeans have a hole in the crotch. Not a tiny hole, no way. It's about twice the size of a quarter. His boxers fall out of said hole. I'm just afraid that one day.. something else will be peaking out and scare people! So... I did what any super hero to the masses would do.
I threw them away. I stuffed them into the very bottom of the garbage bag and then cleaned the refrigerator out. I threw all the icky foods and outdated bottles of salad dressing on top. It was a fantastic idea! He'd never suspect and NEVER EVER find them!! MUHAHAHAHA **evil laughter**!!
Everything was perfect. No more holey jeans and I could just deny that I'd ever seen them. Perfection, I tell you! I never gave them another thought.

Until today, that is. When my loving husband walks into the house with ...duh duh duuuuummm...THE JEANS!! Apparently, the friendly neighborhood, garbage stealing nuisance, albeit cuddly cute BEAR had gotten our garbage that very week and dragged it over to our neighbor's house to rummage through it. Well.. today, our neighbor was picking up OUR garbage..how embarrassing is THAT... and found THE JEANS!!!
THEY HAVE RETURNED!!!! Oh for the love of all things HOLEY!! haha. *slaps knee* I kill me! Now, that man wants me to wash the jeans so that he can wear his FAVORITE ONES!! And..do I know how they got into the garbage?? I'm guessing my laughter gave it away. CURSES!!!

Lost

I had a good story to tell tonight about my adventures in the lost lake, but life got the better of me. You see, my friend is upset about her life and what's in store for her future and I feel horrible because I have no good advice for her. One would think I'd have it stockpiled since I haven't been using any that's been given to me lately.
But, no. I've let it go in one ear and out the other. I don't feel like such a good friend tonight. I'm just drawing a blank. Perhaps, I'm too caught up in my own drowning pool to be able to see others and help with their problems. I have been selfish. I'd never had considered myself a selfish person until just recently and I suppose I have been. Recently, I've been someone that I do not recognize. All of my efforts to be an upstanding, moral person have gone out the window. One bad choice has led to another down this metaphorical paved road to hell. I wish I could go back in time and erase mistakes and poor choices, yet keep all of the wisdom that I have gained over the years. Hindsight, I suppose. Don't we all wish for that? I am trying to change my life by doing the right thing. When one does the right thing, then isn't everything just supposed to fall magically into place? I'm trying to make better choices. I'm trying to mend the trail of broken hearts that I have left. I'm not a martyr. I'm not just doing the right thing, but what's best for me and everyone around me and what I ultimately want. I know this is what I want and need - I just don't really know how I lost sight of it. It's the only thing that feels right.
I wonder what punishment will fit this crime. I wonder if it will all eventually be ok. I wonder if and when payback will happen. I wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for becoming this unrecognizable, selfish, shell of a woman. I wonder if he will, either. I wonder if I'll ever get back to that person I once was.

This one's for the birds

I think there is a bird brothel in the backyard Pine tree. As I was laying out on the back porch ( oh yea, all redneck style with the tractor blocking the neighbor's view) I looked up to see a couple of birds mating. Yea, I watched. So what? I was bored. Anywho.. a few minutes later, another bird flies up and participates. Then another. Now, I'm not sure if they were all having one big orgy up there. I'm not even sure how many were male or female - I didn't have my glasses on or contacts in - not that I could tell the difference anyway..but they were all there..and all gettin' it on at some point. I was just wondering if at the end..the male said something like.." the money's on the nightstand". I don't know how that all went..but I do know that there were some feathers flying at the end...so I'm thinking the birds like it a little rough. Unless this was a gang rape and I just watched and did nothing! OH THE HORROR!!

Speaking of the whole sunning on the back porch deal. Why oh why is only one part of my tummy red? Not the sides...not the back..and yes, I did rotisserie myself. Well, really, it was more like a light saute since I was using olive oil as a tanning agent. Don't knock it-it's all I had!